2. 

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."
3. 

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” 
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We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
4. 

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
-
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
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The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 
5.Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"
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Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
6.An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. 

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."
7. 

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”

Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
8. 

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore
9. 

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
10. 

An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?”
-
The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
11. 

"Can you please hold my hand?"A mother asks her son: "Anton, do you think I’m a bad mom?"
-
Son: "My name is Paul."
12. 

Doctor: You're obese. 
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Patient: For that I definitely want a second opinion. 
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Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.